We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
