Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
