so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
