i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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