I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
