the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
