He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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