Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
