too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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