tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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