If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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