I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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