Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
