you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How naked do you want me to be?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
