Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
