3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he wants to bone in the snuggie
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
im holly from the hills drunk
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
