I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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