pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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