Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
