you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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