one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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