you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
