I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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