just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
