Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
