Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
