So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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