dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
