Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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