He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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