i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
