I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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