I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
