to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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