if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
