Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
