I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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