i wish semen tasted like chocolate
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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