he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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