I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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