o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
