I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
