It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
