Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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