I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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