Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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