I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
