I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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