Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
