oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
