in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i will never coherently bang her
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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