The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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