im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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