We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
