I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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