Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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