is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
